WH2: Coping

"You can blame yourself up to certain point, but after that it's just a coping strategy."

These were words God whispered to my heart about six or seven years ago when I was going through one of my darkest personal struggles.  The idea is more real now than it ever was.

Can I talk to you for a minute about coping?  If your life is really hard right now and people don't really understand where you're coming from.  Or, if you're so buried in circumstances that you're struggling to find where you are but know you're in the wrong place, this might be for you.

Guilt and shame are great at spending years proclaiming the message in your head over and over again that "If you were stronger, you could control this situation!"  If you're at all like me you've heard this sound bite in heavy rotation in the back of your mind.  Do me a favor and ask yourself honestly whether or not this is true.  Is it?

If it's not, why do you keep using it as a guidepost to evaluate your situation?

Through nervous energy and pent-up emotion we try to make ourselves useful by drinking the poison of blame.  And if I can't blame someone else, maybe I'll try blaming myself.

I want sooooo badly to be able to attach my pain to something.  To anything, really.  And I don't want to be a guy who lives with bitterness toward my family, fellow man, my country or even God.  So often there's only one guy left to take the full force of the attack.

If I remember correctly, it was a Jewish philosopher that once said, "If pain were water, all the world would drown."  And so many are drowning.  Not for any good reason except that they're trying to cope.

I really want to say that I have the answers to all this complexity, but I don't.  I'm writing to you from right in the middle of it.  Coping with an unresolved situation can do funny things to your mind and a lot of people turn to a lot of unhealthy things to deal with it.  I have a lot more compassion for those people today than I did a few months ago.

Here's the simple thing I've learned: You can't let your coping control your life.  It will if you let it.

Ramble over.

(Just so you know: This is not at all to give a hall pass to saints and sinners who are doing wrong and harmful things.  If it's true that you can change it and need to seize control of your life, talk to the people you've wronged, make it right and fall on your knees before God before you go to bed tonight and ask for forgiveness.  That's something we all could use.)

Ethiopia journal entry #5

I was reminded of this last Ethiopia journal entry last night when I was talking to a friend who was a missionary in Argentina for 30 years. I was talking to her about the subject of what I'd written in my journal and how I intended to post it on the blog. She said something so simple, it seemed like it couldn't possibly be true, but now that I've been thinking about it for 24 hours, I think it's more true than any of us would care to admit.

She said, "The more people have, the less happy they are. And the less people have, the more happy they are."

I guess that would explain why, as a general rule, people in Ethiopia are happier than people in America.

***
From the Guest House:

9/18/09

I've been thinking a lot about the luxury of worry. Here in the third world we don't wear seat belts. In fact, people sometimes pay as much as they can afford just to get a ride hanging on to the outside of the taxi. They don't have the luxury to worry about what is safe. No safety harnesses. No hand sanitizer. No rear-facing carseats or traffic police to ticket you for going five over.

God has blessed us so much we have the time and money to worry about ever last little thing.

Not that this is all bad, but what if we had a fear of God like we have a fear of salmonella?

Ethiopia journal entry #4

From Room #202 of the YGF Guest House:

9/15/09

When our two children were placed in our arms for the first time yesterday, I think Joy herself walked into the room.

I can't understand why any two children would welcome two strangers from the other side of the world, but they did.

With all the smiles, laughs and love that we could ever ask from kids of our own blood, they gave us four hours we will never forget.

Ethiopia journal entry #3

Aboard Ethiopian Airlines 501, descending into Addis Ababa, Ethiopia:

9/13/09

I've heard it said that adopted kids--just like all other kids--rarely ever thank their parents for sacrificing, giving, loving them.

Would I even deserve thanks?

Maybe I should apologize for not being here sooner...

Ethiopia journal entry #2

Aboard Ethiopian Airlines 501:

9/13/09

As we fly over Khartoum, I am at 35,000 feet. The song plays:

I saw the face of Jesus
In a little orphan girl...
...And I heard the voice of Jesus
Gently whisper to my heart
"Didn't you say you wanted to find Me?
Here I am.
There you are.
So what now?"

Ethiopia journal entry #1

This journal entry was written just before we left for the airport:

9/10/09
On a "normal" trip to Central Oregon or the Coast, I'd look forward in anticipation at what was to come. Today I don't know what is ahead. I'll miss Portland, my job, my computer, my friends, family.