Hope Comes in Size 7: A Story of (the) Last Christmas

By the time we got to December of last year, things looked dark. Nothing that the doctors were trying was working. The terms and timelines being used in the process stopped matching any of the reality we were living. Daily life became more about making sure Anne-Marie could function as comfortably as possible and pushing for more time.

That time was Christmastime. By now, I've discovered that I've mentally blocked out a large portion of what happened in December of 2020, but there is one small story from last Christmas that I'll always tell:

It was the week before Christmas and I was behind on everything. Now I had to find a gift for my wife for what appeared to be the least-promising future we'd ever faced. Or should I? Why? Anne-Marie's life consisted of me pushing her in a wheelchair to the car and then from the car to the clinic. 

Every year, most of us give gifts to children, but not many of us prioritize buying stuff for those 70 and 80-year-olds in our lives, no matter how much we love them. It isn't until you live in a place like we were that you realize every gift given is with a view of a world that is growing. Our world was shrinking.

It was getting hard to leave the house even for a little bit, especially considering the pandemic that was raging at the time. I weighed the risks, decided against a shopping trip and started looking online.

I wanted it to be something that was really nice and I somehow decided that Anne-Marie needed a pair of shoes. She hadn't worn heels for a few years because of her health issues, so I needed a nice pair of flats. I wasn't sure such a thing existed, but a Google search lead me to several top 10 lists which lead me to Nordstrom.com. Nordstrom's shipping window was just quick enough to get me what I needed.

I was excited for Anne-Marie to open her gift.  She tore off the wrapping paper and was surprised to find the pair of beautiful flats. I told her, "They're for when you walk again. I thought you'd need something comfortable for church that still looked nice."

For when you walk again.

In the time since, there's not five words that I've ever uttered that have both haunted and challenged me like those five have. Because Anne-Marie took the shoes out of that box and I helped her try them on.  Then she wrapped them back up in all the shoe stuff they give you and put them back in the box and never touched them again for the remaining 30 days of her life.

She never walked again.

I can tell you truthfully that in whatever alternate reality I was living in that moment that ignored all the outward evidence and impossible odds that I believed what I said. I could see her in those shoes walking into church on a Sunday morning. I could see us celebrating that 20th anniversary. I could see her watching the kids enter their teen years. I could see it through eyes of faith.

You may think that's crazy talk, but I'll say something even crazier. What I saw that day was what I want to see every day. Even after a year where my past, present and future has been completely shattered, I want to learn to live in that place where I look toward the impossible with eyes of expectation.

Below are my much-less inspiring follow-up thoughts. If the post above was enough for you, just leave it at that. It's fine.

Fathers Day 2013

It's Father's Day and I got my gift two days early.  I was surprised on Friday not with an ugly tie or power tool.  On Friday, I received the common cold.

It's the most universal malady on Earth beside the hiccups and can be strong enough to take a grown man down for two to five days.  (I'm hoping for the former.)

There is a disease almost as common in our area of the world.  It's called fatherlessness.

While some have more severe cases than others, I can't go a day without discovering another person who has suffered or is suffering with it.  There's little the victim can do to prevent it.  Its lifespan is quite a bit longer than the cold's is and there's no cure.

Then again, maybe there is a cure.  In the Bible, God said He'd be "the father to the fatherless."  Many teachers, mentors, friends, brothers and uncles contribute into the lives of those without the daily guidance of a father.  Even in my own life--after I got married--my father-in-law has been a constant presence in my life to model wisdom and morals.

The greatest healing agent I've had for growing up without a father is the opportunity to be a father.

Because I practice everyday to complete the cure, it makes this particular day a little more special to me.

Time

I get up before I have to.  I shower and shave.  I talk to God.  I eat my breakfast.  I kiss my wife.  I get in my car and drive 30 miles to my job.  It only takes 45 minutes and I feel good about it.

I've been awake for 1 hours and 45 minutes of my 16 waking hours and I know the clock is ticking.

16 - 1.75 = 14.25 hours remaining

It's 7:30 AM and my desk is as full as my e-mail.  The understanding of what I think I'm supposed to be doing, my manager thinks I'm supposed to be doing, the CEO thinks I'm supposed to be doing and the customer thinks I'm supposed to be doing are four different things.  My current responsibilities change five times. I finally get it figured out, but it's lunch time.  4 1/2 hours have passed.

14.25 - 4.5 = 9.75 remaining

I go off the clock for lunch for 15 minutes of which I really only take 9 to ingest the lunch I brought but there's no time to linger.  The company can have those last 6 minutes for free.  I've got a deadline that was just changed from tomorrow to today and if I want to go home at a decent hour, lunch stops now.

9.75 - 0.25 = 9.5 remaining

5 hours later I've wrapped up the emergency project after spending 3 3/4 hours at the computer, 1 hour arguing and collaborating about the direction of the project and 15 minutes talking to the guy in the next desk about that story in the news.  It's 5:15 PM and I'm going home.

9.5 - 5 = 4.5 remaining

Or at least I thought I was going home.  I needed to run to the store really quick to pick up that one necessary item for dinner.  There was a wreck on I-5 and it cost me some extra time.  What would be a 1/2-hour drive in the middle of the night costs me 1 1/2 hours.

4.5 - 1.5 = 3 remaining

The kids haven't seen their daddy all day and they want to jog laps around the living room.  15 minutes of sprinting later, my wife lets me know that dinner is ready and we all sit down, thank God for what we have and eat.  Actually I'm the only one that eats.  The kids don't really like what was prepared, so my wife spends the rest of the meal time running back and forth to the kitchen trying to solve the problem.  My daughter settles for peanut butter and jelly.  My son settles for nothing.  The episode only lasts 1/2 hour.

3 - 0.75 = 2.25 remaining

The kids want to do more laps until their mother finally convinces them it's time for bed.  The typical mourning occurs along with teeth brushing, stories and prayers.  We close their bedroom doors 45 minutes later thanking God we got through it, but then feel regretful inside for not wanting to spend more time with them.

2.25 - 0.75 = 1.5 remaining

It's 8:15 and I know it.  Everything else that I need to do or want to do must happen in these 90 minutes.  The math doesn't lie and the clocking is ticking.  As soon as I recover from the shock, I look up to see how much time I have left.  Guess what?

1.5 - 1.5 = 0 hours remaining

It's time to go to bed so I can start a similar story tomorrow.

---

The reason I write this is not to throw you into depression.  It's not to complain, though I've definitely done too much of that, as well.

The reason I'm writing this is so you don't feel like you're the only one.  Because everyone I talk to tells me almost the exact same story as what you read above.  They probably don't break down all the math like that, but still their story is the same.  By the time they get done with what they have to do, they don't feel like they can get to what they want to do.  Or even what they ought to do.

You're not the only one with intentions that take longer than 24 hours allow.  You're not the only one who feels guilty for not getting it all done.  You're not the only one who thinks that somehow--if they were just a little better--they could make it work.

Everyone goes through it.  Or at least everyone who's trying.

Pray for strength.  Grasp at wisdom.  Make use of your 90 minutes and the 14 1/2 hours before them.

Another week is about to begin.

The grace continuum

I think we've all heard statements like this:

If only we were as forgiving of others as we are of ourselves.

This sounds great unless you find it difficult to forgive yourself.  I think we fool ourselves into believing that we always give ourselves the benefit of the doubt, but for many that's not the case at all.

I've actually seen it in every possible combination:

1. Those who lavish grace on others, but cannot cut themselves any slack 
2. Those who will easily forgive everyone, including themselves 
3. And those overwrought folks who don't let anything slide

I'm fairly certain that I want to be somewhere between the first and second one and I'm definitely certain that I don't want to be at the extremities of either side.

I frame it this way because I want the definition of what I'm talking about to be as broad as possible.  We can all point to our moral code and call a person out for being wrong and probably should more often in our society.  But the issue of grace applies in more than just moral wrongs.  It applies to faults, weaknesses, ignorances, projections.

Now I know "grace" sounds like a church word and it is, but for my non-believer readers, just go with this simple definition: unmerited mercy, kindness or forgiveness.

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It's a fact that if the world lived up to my standard, the world would be a better place.  Right?  We'd all live in peace, love and harmony.  Wait, that's not true?  We're pretty weird about the way we dole out grace.

Watercooler conversation will tear apart the annoying co-worker.  People will then go home from work and then find nearly identical traits in their own children and overlook them without a thought.  Individuals will vocally condemn the greedy politician but live a lifestyle that seeks to take what others have, even to the point of a husband or wife.

The problem I often face comes when the standards that I've set for myself--that I need to set for myself--are too high for me to reach.  If I'm to honestly weigh my thoughts, words and actions against my ideals, I fail daily.  That's why grace is so important.  It allows me to hold an ideal that's bigger than myself.  Bigger than my boss's disapproval.  Bigger than my wife's frustration.  Bigger than the fear of God striking me with lightning.

And if it's true that I'm going to believe in grace for me, than I must believe in it for others.  There's no way I could ever know all the struggles, fears, insecurities, thoughts and reservations of my fellow man.  That same man will cross my path today and do something that makes me absolutely furious.  Or at least it would without grace.

---

The day is filled with 1,000 battles.  People like me will get frustrated when they don't win all of those battles, or at least win them with the result they envisioned.  The truth is, if I had the perfect peace of mind that I feel I should have, I probably wouldn't be up in the middle of the night writing this blog post.  I need sleep.  I can spend the next 24 hours showering blows on myself for not "winning" this first battle of the day or I can extend a little grace to myself and get ready to face the next 999.

Where do you find yourself in the grace continuum?  Head toward the end with more of it.  Not only for other people, but for yourself as well.

You're probably more right than I know (a tribute to quiet people)

(It's late to just be starting a blog post, but I get to watch the kids tomorrow while Anne-Marie is at her radiation appointment.  That means I can stay up late.  Right?  Right?)

I've been given the gift of being married to a very quiet and reserved person.

You know what's great about being quiet and reserved?

Nothing.  Because people try to change you all the time.

You know it's true, because you're either the shy person that people have tried to change or the assertive-type that tries to change people.  I'm not just talking about people trying to change opinions.  I'm talking about people trying to change other people's temperament, personality and core being.

The reason I know so much about it is because I'm a guy that used to do it.  Now I know it's *obvious* that Anne-Marie isn't quite the masterpiece that I am, but I figured that it couldn't hurt to help her attain at least a semblance of my grandeur.  So I worked.  And I pressured.  I cajoled.  I guilted.  And did I change her?

No.  I didn't.  My influence over the years has--I guess you could say--"brought her out of her shell" a little, but the base layer of her very being has remained.  She's an introvert.

Here's the most amazing revelation that I've learned about humanity in general through my 11-plus years of experience in this matter: as a general rule, quiet people are correct just as often as loud people.

(Half of my readers are saying, "Of course!"  The other half is enraged.  Good.  Got you right where I want you.)

You see, the mistake I made was thinking that extroverts were confident in their opinions because they were correct.  The truth is that confident people are confident in their opinions because they're confident by nature.

It's true that the opinons of introverted people are not taken as seriously and their advice is not followed nearly as often, but that mostly has to do with the perception of the listener.  (Plus, the fact that they don't cram it down your throat.)  And perception is key.  For the sake of the other half of humanity I'm trying to change mine.

Now when I'm in a meeting, I want to hear what the guy that never says anything is really thinking.  It may not be what I want to hear, but usually I find that he holds a perspective that I've been completely missing.  Of course, getting him to speak up without forcing him into the Type A bubble is a little difficult, but I'm working on my discretion in this regard.

I say all of this to spread a little encouragement to my introverted readers.  If you're shy, timid, coy or self-effacing, I have a lot of respect for you and I want to hear what you have to say.  The world belongs to the outgoing, or at least that's what they keep telling you.  I believe that you'll try to keep the weak points of your temperament in check from causing harm or doing evil.  I will try the same with the ambivert temperament God has given me. And I'm guessing your job will probably be easier than mine.

How many times have I seen a shy person changed by an outgoing person?  Zero.  The only person that changed these past 11 years was me.  Now I know the truth: I've been given the gift of being married to a very quiet and reserved person.

Bad Day Time

I work at a place where you're not allowed to have a bad day.

Yeah, that's right.  We have a production schedule to meet and hundreds of drawings need to be done. You're probably only on #42 so, in order for us to get this project finished on time you gotta crank out two drawings a day--every day--for the next month.

Oh, and please don't call in sick.

---

Now that's not exactly how they state it at work, but it is pretty close to reality. I'm wondering if in our next negotiated benefits package we could include bad days.  I mean, right on the paystub:

"OK, so they took $79 out for Social Security; $203 for the Feds and I got 12.65 hours left of sick time, 31.13 hours left of vacation time and 44.39 hours left of BAD DAY Time."

"Bad Day Time" would be time you were at the office, but more distracted and less productive than you should be.  You'd be allowed to work at two-thirds of your normal production level without people getting angry at you.  You could put in for it the same morning.  Not just for any reason, but for the ones we all know.

A.  Your kid cried all night and you spent the time you should've been sleeping trying to find ways to console them.  (Eligible for a full day of BDT.)

B.  Payday isn't 'til tomorrow and you have bills due today and you're trying to act like the calls you're getting on your cell phone are not from a frustrated member of the Billing Department who is also having a bad day.  (BDT can be taken, but only while you're on the phone with Billing Department guy.)

C.  Why does Major League Baseball schedule games during the day?  You really wanted to see the Mariners play this afternoon, but you gotta be at work.  (BDT denied.  It's not a bad day...it's just baseball.)

D.  You woke up at 3AM to find your dog puking all over the living room rug.  You were up 'til 4:30 cleaning it up and laid in bed from 4:30 til 6 trying to kill the adrenaline rush and get over the frustration of it all.  If you round up, you might have 4 hours of sleep.  (Eligible for BDT before 11 AM.  After that, the company figures owning that dog was your choice.)

E.  A member of your family has been struggling with sickness for months and no one seems to understand.  You might have to stay up late, get up early, juggle schedules and deal with reasons A through D all in a 24-hour period.  (Let's be honest: your BDT was used up loooooong ago.)

---

It sure seems nice.  On the surface, it'd be great if we could just come out and admit it was a bad day.  I want to be able to walk into the room of people living their lives and doing their stuff and be able to just scream out, "I'M THE EXCEPTION!"

Even still, I'd have to confess that the past seven months of working at a place that doesn't allow Bad Day Time has been one of the most helpful things that could have happened to me.  Sure, I can't have a bad day, but the beauty of it is that I can't have a bad day.

I despise being fake and prefer not to be around fake people, but when I walk in that door at work, I know the drill: I've gotta be on it.  No excuses.  In the final analysis, people aren't concerned about how I feel.  They just need my help getting the job done.

My job has helped me by reminding me daily that attitudes often follow actions, not the other way around.  When I step past all the junk and get to work, I'm amazed at how much better I feel.

I'm not saying this works every day.  I don't even know if it's supposed to work every day.  But it's how I get through a lot of days.

So, that's my word of encouragement to you.  My prayer is that you make it today because you're doing the right things and that your attitude will change as a result of your actions.

You're not being fake; you're just out of Bad Day Time.

Encouragement in 2013

Remember this post?

Yeah, that's right: Strong Opinions in 2012.  That turned out a little weird.

I mean, there were some good posts in there, at least at first.  (I still love this one.)  The problem was that, as the year went forward, our lives changed pretty drastically.  All of the sudden any opinion that I held whether strong or not didn't seem to be very important.  Worse than that, the things that I was SO sure about in January seemed a lot less certain in June.

Having your confidence shaken a little bit is natural in extreme circumstances.  It may even be somewhat healthy if you can channel it in the right direction.  While it's important not to let yourself become demoralized, a reminder that you don't have it all figured out can give you a better perspective and greater insight. If I learned just one lesson in 2012, that was it.

Who doesn't need to be encouraged?

 Anyways, I think I've given up on typical New Years' resolutions.  What I really want is to live my life developing good character.  I don't know if last year counted, but this year I want to focus on encouragement.

People always tell me I'm gifted with words and--if it's true they can be used to hurt or heal--I want to use them to breath life into somebody's day.  So that's the goal here in 2013.  We've pulled the drapes on the strong opinions.  (Not that I don't have them; they're just not the focus.)  I hope that here on the blog and in daily life I can say words that will encourage somebody.

On 2013!