5 things you don't want to hear your team's coach say during the pre-season press conference

This weekend marks the start of the college football season. Just prior to this, every team has the head coach speak to the media. Usually, this turns into a cat-and-mouse game in which the coach makes it his goal to tell the press absolutely nothing. Just in case you're confused by this, here's a few clues to listen for next time you hear the media talk to the coach of your favorite team.

1. Your team's new quarterback is a "gamer".
Gamer is the word you use when you don't know what else to say. You know the coach is thinking, "The guy was sacked a dozen times and didn't hit a receiver all day. What am I supposed to say? Oh, I KNOW! I'll tell them he's a gamer!"

2. Your defensive line has "a lot of potential".
This means your coach expects them to be great, season after next.

3. Your halfback is the "ready to play and I like his length".
This is very similar to gamer. This means Coach What's-His-Name couldn't think of anything to say so he turned his brain off and this came out of his mouth.

4. "We're waiting until all the facts come out."
What the coach says when one of your football players got busted by the police the week before the season started. Additionally, it means the coach knows all the facts, but the authorities told him not to tell the media. Thirdly, it means he wants the player to be able to play the first game of the season while we wait for the facts (which may or may not ever come out).

5. "The only game we're worried about is the one we're playing this weekend."
This is a lie. Generally all the good teams play all the bad teams the first week of college football (this so they can assure a win to start the season). So, essentially what he's saying is, "Yeah, we know that St. Teresa's Girl's College hasn't won yet this century, but we're really crossing our fingers and hoping that we pull this off. We're not worried about playing Alabama next week. No, not at all. Hasn't even crossed our minds, actually."

That's just the beginning of the things you don't want to hear at the pre-season press conference and--believe you me--we hear a lot of them here in the state of Oregon. Anyways, Go Bucks and Go Deavers!