Monday, December 01, 2008

Hail the Christmas Shopping Season!

I am a man. I'm a husband. In fact, I'm probably the most mall-friendly husband in America. I've been to Macy's, Banana Republic, Nordstrom, even Gap. But there's one store I cannot go in. It's called Victoria's Bed Bath Body Shop-N-Things of Hollywood.

I will confess that the first time I say the words "Body Shop" on the sign, I had a little spark of a hope rise in my soul. Maybe I would see a guy named Chuck pounding dents out of the rear quarterpanel of a Trans Am. Imagine my disappointment when the only male I saw inside the store was named "Charles"--and he was really friendly.

Women are everywhere in this store. They spray little colored bottles and put creamy stuff on their hands. They hold things up to themselves and ask other women if they looked "cute" and if by that they mean "CUTE CUTE" or just "cute".

The one and only time I went into the store I found eyelid moisturizer with "essential nutrients". (This is good because I've been having one more case of dry eyelids lately.) But the nice lady told me that if I bought it in a package with the rice milk cocoa butter ankle scrub and the cinnamon champagne warming shampoo formulated for dry and/or frizzy hair that I could get a five dollar discount on any other items in the store!

I was just about sold when my wife found me. She told me to put down my essential eyelid moisturizer so we could look at the other side of the store, where they sell little, tiny items of clothing. I turned and looked at the opposite side of the store. That's when I leaped over the exfoliating elbow wraps and ran out the door.

I say all of this as a public service.

Men: if you happen to accidentally go shopping with your wife and find yourself in front of Victoria's Bed Bath Body Shop-N-Things of Hollywood--or anything that sounds like it at all--DO NOT ENTER THE STORE. THEY WILL LIE TO YOU. THEY WILL TELL YOU THAT YOU AND/OR YOUR WIFE NEED(S) SPECIFIC ITEMS FOR SPECIFIC BODY PARTS. DO NOT BELIEVE THEM!

But if your wife feels she must go into the store, let her go. After all, it's essential.

1 comment:

  1. Just in case you were wondering, this post was heavily influenced by people like Dave Barry and Henry Cho.